About hate and anger

I really didn't want to post this, because I want to be a person who doesn't hate. But I am struggling with that and am confused why. So I decided to write about it. Maybe it will help me to get over it. I gave myself a love therapy session here earlier and it helped. So maybe this will too. But I warn you, it will be a rant. If you came here looking for something sophisticated, you won't find it here.

I'm far from perfect and apparently have  many insecurities that I'm trying to work on. In general I really like people. Many people inspire me and I want to learn from their good qualities and develop myself to become better. I want to see the good in people.

© Yle Areena: Au Pairit Los Angelesissa.

But sometimes I have a bad day and feel disappointed and it's just not that easy. And I catch myself thinking bad and unhelpful thoughts. For example, the other day, I was watching a Finnish reality TV show Au Pairit Los Angelesissa  ("Au pairs in Los Angeles"), and noticed that I thought that one of the girls had a terrible style. She wore a lot of really cakey make-up and spider-like fake lashes, and I just didn't like that type of make-up. But then I thought about it and realised how judgemental I was. She was a teenager which is the best time to try out absolutely any style! She clearly liked her style and it was the way she expressed herself — actually she was great and really smart! After that realisation she became my favourite person in the series. I absolutely hate the fact how quickly I judged her in the first place based on her appearance. Just because I personally wouldn't use some sort of make-up doesn't mean that there's something wrong with that style.

Maybe I was so quick to judge after I was bullied at school, which has made me nervous around certain kind of people. And suspicious about certain appearances. It's crazy and I should try to learn to be less judgemental. And I most definitely don't hate any of my bullies. I wouldn't even be able to name them if I had to.

But there are two people I still do hate. And I don't know what to do about that. So here I am to confess you everything about my unhelpful thoughts.

© Fab After Forty.

The first person really angers me. A few years ago, I was suffering from depression and was really lonely. I asked her if she would like to meet up for a cup of coffee with me sometime. We had previously spoken about that, so it wasn't out of the blue. Although, of course in UK you sometimes suggest meeting up when you don't really mean it. But still, I thought I'd ask because I really needed more pleasant activities in my day and a human to talk to. We were messaging about how we were doing and I was honest with her, about my anxiety and depression. She said that other people's company helps with that. So I asked her if she would like to meet me for coffee because at the time I didn't feel like I had other people I could just meet like that. And then she told me that I should just go to therapy and get professional help and take a gap year. And honestly, I had tried to get to therapy but the queue was 2 years long. It can be difficult for a healthy person to understand how difficult it is to find and get professional help for mental health issues. Often you have to be self-destructive to even get on the waiting list. But I didn't want her to be my therapist. I just wanted to have coffee with a real human being. I am still hurt and angry about that and I hate her. I hate her! And I don't know why. But I never told her how much her words hurt me. She's still my Facebook friend and she keeps posting really inconsiderate and self-boasting comments on Facebook. But maybe I am just so annoyed with everything she posts because I have such strong feelings about that incident and her. I have considered deleting her, but I'm not sure if that's the best solution. 

She reminds me of another person I used to hate. There was a similar incident around the same time, when I was really sad about having no one in my life. I was so depressed and slightly suicidal and I was crying at someone else's home, because I just didn't want to go home alone. And I was told to leave. And I wasn't even angry because I was told to leave. I completely understand how annoying it must have been to have me around that day. I was angry because she told someone who was crying and suicidal to go away. You should never do that. You take the time to make them a cup of tea. If you don't have time to listen to them, you tell them that they are welcome to stay as long as they need to, even if you are busy. Or you make other arrangements. You make sure they are okay to walk home. WHATEVER. Never, walk pass a crying lonely person, offer a tissue. Never leave a suicidal person alone. Would you walk pass a person ready to jump of a bridge? Would you kick out a suicidal person? If so, it's very likely that I will hate you.

©Quotes Lover.

At least for a moment. I don't actually hate her anymore, I don't have such feelings towards her, but I still haven't forgiven her for kicking out a suicidal person, even though I have forgiven her kicking out me.

The other person I notice myself hating hasn't actually done anything like that. She didn't invite me to her Hallowe'en party once, which is hardly a reason to even dislike someone. But I get these same angry and hateful feelings about her when I see things she posts on Facebook. (Because Facebook obviously is the place where the social things happen with people you don't actually see in real life anymore.) And I really used to like her. I've written a blog post in my less public blog about how much I missed her when I was on a summer holiday. And I used to be so happy to see her. But after that Hallowe'en party incident something changed and now everything about her annoys me. Do I need some therapy again? Or should I perhaps just delete her on Facebook and forget about her like she's forgotten about me?

©Rick Quotes.

Wow, I sound really shallow and bitter. I am not proud of this. I just want to let go so bad.

But yes, unfortunately, there are two people I still hate, but I am working on it. People suck and I need to accept it and get over it. This post really sucked. Maybe next time I'll tell you about people I love.

My favourite cosmetic brands

Hi.

I was going to write this post before I got completely stressed out by consumerism and plastic and all that unnecessary waste that just ends up in landfills. But because it's almost Christmas and cosmetics have been my favourite thing for 2 years now, I thought I'd write this post anyway.

When I was really lonely and depressed I cheered up my life by going shopping for some cosmetics. I bought so many cream, lotions and make-up products. Trying them out really made me a lot happier and boosted my self-confidence!

Earlier this year, Brand Spark International listed the most trusted cosmetic brands in Canada, USA, China, Turkey and Mexico that were ranked by consumers. You can check all of them by following the link. I originally got the idea for this post from a Finnish cosmetics blog Ostolakossa where the blog's author Virve Vee compared the popularity of different brands in different countries and also told her own favourites. 

So today I'm going to tell me what my favourite cosmetic brands have been past these 2 years! With some thoughts on how I'm feeling about the future with them. If this isn't something you're interested in, feel free to skip this post.

For example, these are the winning brands in China:

Face cream:  Olay

Eye cream: Estée Lauder

Make-up foundation: Maybelline

Facial wash: L'oreal and Nivea

Shaving products: Gillette

Nail varnish: OPI

Body wash: Dove

Shampoo & Conditioner: Pantene

Hair styling: Vidal Sassoon

Toothpaste: Darlie

And these are the winners in Turkey:

Facial skincare: L'oreal and Nivea

Make-up foundation: L'oreal and Max Factor (Covergirl)

Facial wash: Neutrogena and Nivea

Lipstick: Avon

Mascara: L'oreal and Max Factor (Covergirl)

Deodorant/Antiperspirant: Nivea

Shaving products: Gillette

Body lotion: Nivea

Body wash: Palmoline

Shampoo & Conditioner: Elidor and Head&Shoulders

Hair styling: Hobby

Toothpaste: Ipana ja Colgate

Feel free to check out the other ones too, I'm sure they are all well known and popular brands.

I actually recently realised that many of the popular brands are owned by gigantic companies.

Have you ever heard of Unilever?

Maybe I'm just naïve but I was really shocked when I realised that so many brands are owned by this massive company. Unilever owns more than 400 brands!

Out of the brands listed earlier more are owned by them by not.

They own Lynx (Axe), Dove, Flora (Becel), Knorr, Lipton, Omo, Sure (Rexona), Surf and Sunsilk (Elidor), Ben & Jerry's, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, Pot Noodle, Turun Sinappi, Simple, Pepsodent (Signal), TIGI, TRESemmé and many others!

And of course such a big company has a lot of money to put on marketing and buying self-space in order to make sure that the naïve consumers can easily see these products when they go shopping.

But anyway, back to the point of this post and my own list! Because of course you all really want to know what cosmetics I use (almost) daily.

Face cream:  Boots Botanics. Especially the 81% organic hydrating cream.

Eye cream: Lumene.

Make-up foundation: Skin79. I have now discovered Asian BB creams and don't want to mess with Western foundations anymore.

Facial wash: Lush.

Lipstick: Lush.

Mascara: Physician's Formula Organic Wear.

Deodorant/Antiperspirant: Lumene. But then I experienced an aluminium crisis and started making my own.

Shaving products: Gillette. Although I'm not sure how to feel about this ecologically or socially.

Body lotion: Soap & Glory.

Nail varnish: Lumene Natural Code.

Body wash: Lumene Angry Birds. I got obsessed with this one after I tried it at my friend's house.

Shampoo & Conditioner: Lush. I'm increasingly more and more obsessed with Lush, have you noticed?

Hair styling: Batiste. Dry shampoo is all I use at the moment. I've considered replacing it with just talcum powder though.

Toothpaste: Sarakan. I've had enough of fluoride.

I actually used to use a different toothpaste, but then I read about the dangers of fluoride and felt that I have been poisoning myself enough with it, and decided to switch to a more natural alternative and hope for the best. Then last week I bought a bamboo toothbrush and it works really well! I actually feel that my teeth are cleaner than they were when I used a plastic toothbrush.

I am a bit sad that many of these products contain so much unrecyclable plastic. I always use a Gilette razor where you only have to change the blade bit instead of needing to get a whole new razor! I wish everyone would do the same. Yes, they are a little bit more expensive, but they are also so much better than those awful ones you can buy in bulk. So much plastic ends up in landfill from them and you only use them a couple of times! If you need to shave, please buy a proper razor.

Lush is a fantastic company that makes bath and beauty products with environmental values in their mind. Their products are amazing and I am considering trying more of their products in the future. For instance, they have a mascara that comes in a glass bottle and it probably would be better for the environment if I used that one instead of ordering the one I currently use from America.

Also, in the field of soap and body lotion, I'm considering challenging myself and trying to make some of my own next year. It can't be that difficult, can it?

So, what are your favourite cosmetics? What sort of aspects do you think about when choosing these products?

You don't have to have a favourite to all categories but you can just copy-paste this template to comments and let me know! I'm a bit weird, but I'd love to hear what products you guys use! Oh, and this is a completely unisex questionnaire. Everyone is allowed to answer.

Face cream: 
Eye cream: 
Make-up foundation:
Facial wash: 
Lipstick:
Mascara: 
Deodorant/Antiperspirant:
Shaving products: 
Body lotion: 
Nail varnish:
Body wash: 
Shampoo & Conditioner: 
Hair styling: 
Toothpaste: 

Trees and homes

Hi.

I've been doing nothing but looking for a new place to live closer to my bus route, so that I'll get more freetime and a shorter commuting time to work. Makes sense to spend my freetime worrying about that, right?

To keep myself away from the websites with flat ads, I decided to finally answer the 11 questions I was challenged to answer in Meriannen blog. I've done the full challenge before, so this time I will just answer the new questions. They were very good questions.

1. What book has meant a lot to you, and why?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. It changed my life. I got it as a 10-year birthday present from my godmother, and it was the first Harry Potter book I ever read. It was the longest book I had ever read. I read the two previous books as well, and then waited for the next ones to get written and published. I grew up with Harry Potter, and I really do believe that my life would be completely different if I hadn't read those books. I might write a whole post about that one day when I'm brave enough to tell you the full story.

My bookself.

2. What makes a home home for you?

A home is a space where I can be myself. At home I don't have to be alone. There needs to be a sofa where I can sit down and watch Gilmore Girls and a kitchen where I can cook. At my current home, we have bunnies in the backyard and I will miss them if I end up moving somewhere where there aren't bunnies. They might not be necessary, as long as I still feel that I'm at home when I'm at home.

3. If you won in the lottery, how do you think the money would change your life?

I would probably worry less about affording things. I would be able to travel more and I would eat fancier food. My life would be more luxurious! And then I would buy houses and rent them out, so that I wouldn't have to work ever, and I could just do what I wanted to do without worrying about not having a job. It would be fantastic.

4. When you started blogging, what did you wish to achieve with your blog? Have your objectives changed since then?

When I moved to Scotland, I had a blog where I talked about my adventures here. That blog was directed to my friends in Finland. But then times changed and that blog got forgotten. 

In 2011, my flatmate moved into a caravan to look after baby ducks and started writing a blog how her water barrel is trying to grow a pet Rowan tree. I thought that it sounded cool, and wished I had something to blog about too. At the time though, I thought that nothing interesting was happening in my life. Moving to Scotland was old news and all I did was to hang around planning on my next backpacking holiday. But I thought that I'd start a blog anyway — maybe I could write about travelling sometimes. And offer valuable opinions on life. And so began my blog.

But things have changed. Of course they have. I've learned more about life and myself since 2011. Since the awful November 2012 I have tried to get back on my feet and to be happy again. During that time I've tried to use my blog as a therapy resource for myself. I had become really scared of the world and avoided speaking to people and telling them my thoughts. Raindeer Pants was a place where I could talk about things and express myself. It still is.

From Growingarowantree.blogspot.co.uk,

5. What is the best meal you can cook?

That's what Raindeer Fodder is for. Apparently so far only Spinach Pancakes. That'll do.

6. What's your dream holiday destination?

I'd love to go to Micronesia, Hawaii and New Zealand. I like my holidays far, far away.

7. Are you tidy or messy? Has it changed when you've got older?

I appear messy, but let me I assure you: I know where everything is.

8. Does your soul belong to a city or countryside?

I'm from Finland, and I miss the trees. I think as long as there are trees, it doesn't matter whether I'm in a city or in the countryside. I'll feel just as lost in treeless countryside as in a concrete, parkless city. But apart from the tree aspect I enjoy both. At the moment I prefer living in a city, but I have a feeling that when I start a family I'd like to live in a smaller town.

9. Who is your favourite actor? Why?

I really like Monni. She's awesome and inspiring. And I know a bunch of other inspiring actors too, but obviously if they don't have a blog I can't mention them here. I'm not sure if the aim of this question was to mention a Hollywood actor like Johnny Depp, but Johnny Depp doesn't really inspire me, even though I think that Jack Sparrow was the only reason Pirates of the Caribbean was so popular. He did a brilliant job with it.

But okay, if you're looking for film tips with this question, Laura and I have been watching films with Bill Nighy recently. He is a good actor.

I also really love the whole story line with Tess in Lip Service. Tess as a character is the kind of actor I can relate with. And Fiona Button is a good actor too. And very good looking. I really enjoyed watching Lip Service. They better do another season soon.

Lip Service (via Insidemediatrack.com).

10. What is the most important thing you've learned from your parents?

My dad taught me to always hold on with three sets of phalanges when climbing. I never fell down a tree.

11. Where do you hope to be in 20 years time?

At home! Where ever that will be. I hope I will be happy.

Lip Service (via Insidemediatrack.com).

Here, have another picture just to show you what I've been obsessed with recently. Also, the picture summarises actors, trees, flowers and homes. Everything I just wrote about! Perfect.

Feel free to answer the same questions in your blog if you want.

Even the fish keep swimming.

Hi!

Did you notice how silent it has been on my blog recently? There has of course been a good reason for it. 

I've started a new job. It has been very exciting. I'm so happy that I have a job now! But it has also been hard, and I've cried and I've been tired. During my work days, it's pretty much the only thing I do. I wake up, get ready, go to work, come home, eat and sleep.

I know, that for most of the living population it's normal to go to work and live a demanding life and never to have any freetime. But for a lot of people it's harder. I really hope that I will be successful in my new job, and don't end up quitting it because of stress or unhappiness or fatigue. So far in life I've learned that some things are just not worth it. Life is short, and if something is constantly making me unhappy, I'm not going to stick with it for any longer than necessary. I could always move to Thailand and start a beach cafe for tourists instead. Or to try something else.

No really, I am being serious! Once upon a time, I was going through a break-down thanks to uni stress and went travelling for a week. I then posted pictures of my trip on Facebook and got comments from an almost-stranger saying that I need to stop being so lazy and going travelling using my parents money, and instead I just need to get a job like everyone else. That person had no idea what I was going through. He didn't know that I didn't spend a penny of my parents money on my breathing break. He didn't know that I had sent hundreds of applications and not landed a job. And he didn't know how to be happy.

I want to learn how to be happy. I want to work somewhere where I enjoy working. I want to earn money and spend it on things that make me happy. I want to travel and see the world.  And I really hope that the job I have now will be one that I will enjoy.

We're also looking for a new flat closer to my work, and hopefully also closer to university, where Laura studies. At the moment it takes me 1½ hours to get to work, and I have to take two buses, which don't have a great on-time record. They've also occasionally just broken down, when I'm trying to go somewhere. So if we would find a good flat somewhere where I can just take one bus to work, I think I could live a lot more stress-free life.

I'm also dreaming of having a bath. That's probably the only thing I miss in our current flat. I love all the bunnies, central heating, living room, kitchen big enough to cook in, backyard, patio and shed... Maybe I'll do a post showing our current flat before we move out. And if we don't find a good flat at a good location, we will probably have to get a car.

How has your life been recently? Feeling the spring yet?

I'm a traveller.

Hello!

Remember my "...andthatswhoiam" -posts? They can be found under the tag being myself. I used them as a method of therapy, because I struggled with situations when I had to introduce myself or tell someone about myself. It clearly helped because I actually went to a job interview last Friday!

But I haven't actually shown you all the pictures that I chose from that website last autumn! So now I'm going to tell you a little bit more about myself.

I love travelling. I want to see everything. I feel like the best thing to spend your money on is to travel and see all the different places and meet people who come from different backgrounds than you do. It will widen your views and help you grow as a person. You will get memories that you'll never forget. It will help you become less materialistic and you'll start to appreciate your experiences more.

Travelling has probably always been my favourite thing to do. I'm from a small town, but it does have a travel agency. I used to go there and carry a copy of all of their brochures home. I loved looking at all the pictures and dreaming of all the places I could go to.  Unfortunately, my mum's idea of travelling was to catch a ferry to Sweden, and to stay on it and head back home straight away, without even setting a foot on the ground. Once I was old enough to travel, I cached one of those ferries and went to see what Sweden really looked like.

I'm the exploring kind of traveller. I find it hard to just do what the tourist guide book tells me. I want to find out things myself. I might go to the tourist information to get a map, in case I get lost (which unsurprisingly happens quite a lot), but my favourite activity is to just wander around aimlessly in a new city. I've never been on a beach holiday, because I think I'd find it difficult to just lie there getting burned, when I could be exploring all the suspicious side alleys and getting to know some interesting local people.

Did I ever mention that I'm a big Doctor Who fan? How many TARDIS-themed things have you noticed on my blog? The whole concepts of being able to travel through space and time really fascinates me. There must be more out there. And there is a reason why I ended up with a degree in Archaeology. But I'm stuck in this time and our planet. Which really isn't that bad after all. Exciting things are happening in our time, with all the digitalisation and equality movements. Scary and awful things are happening too, and there are many places I don't even want to travel to at the moment thanks to their political situation. But there's still at least half a planet left which I could and would like to explore.

I strongly believe that understanding the language of the place you travel to helps you get more out of the trip. The more you understand the language the more you understand the culture. And vice versa. Travelling is also the key to learning languages. When you need to find a Burger King in Spain, you suddenly can understand those instructions in Spanish. Or at least I found my way to the Burger King. I also learned to pronounce it the Spanish way.

I've never been to Asia, but I've got really interested in Japanese, Korean and Chinese cultures recently. I thought that Japanese might be the easiest Asian language for me to learn first, so now I've started planning a trip to Japan. It will happen once I feel that I've learned enough Japanese to get the most out of that trip!

I have a funny feeling that the only reason why I've watched all of the Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit films is the fact that they are shot in New Zealand. That's one place I would really love to travel to. Originally, I wanted to spend an exchange year there, but it never happened. It's the furthest place on Earth I could travel to, which probably makes it even more exciting.

I have lived in a couple of different countries. I've lived in England and Germany for a month, and in Finland and Scotland for years. All of those countries have a place that feels like a home to me. Sometimes I meet people in Scotland who hear that I'm a foreigner and ask me "so where's home?" They think it's a cunning way to phrase the question: "where are you from?", but I always find it a little bit insulting. Do they mean I'm not welcome here, and want me to go back where I came from? I don't want to go back. I want to find a place I belong. The question is also difficult, because I find Scotland to be my home just as much as Finland is. I'm from Finland but I live here now. And I'm not sure where I want to move next. 

But okay, my home is in Europe. For now at least.

Finnish people don't make friends easily, which is kind of a problem. I have, however, met amazing people from all over the world. I wish I'd find it more natural to open up to people and actually make life-long friends and to stay in touch more.

I've always thought that the best cure for depression is to go travelling. I've never felt sad or depressed while travelling. Everything in this world is just too amazing, to feel depressed. Depression is like being stuck. If you don't realise that you're free to go and do anything, you will feel depressed. If you ever feel suicidal, just sell everything you own and use that money to go travelling. As far as possible, and you might find the reason to live again.

I love learning to get to know this planet. I want to explore my options before I decide where I want to settle down to. I feel that there's no point feeling miserable with my life, if I don't want to go and see how people live elsewhere. Maybe there's a place that is more suitable for me than the place where I'm now? And if not, there's nothing better than that feeling of coming back home.

P.S. Here's a map of the places I've conquered so far.

It's fairly Western Europe centred so far, but I'm working on it.

I pinned these places on the TripAdvisor app on Facebook. And then I mangled it a little bit on Paint, because I hate the way Google Maps stretch the North. Unfortunately this app doesn't have all the places I've been to. I'm especially sad that North Rona is missing. But according to this app, I've visited 17 countries, which is 13% of the world. That sounds like a good start!

I honestly, don't know where I'm going next. But I like to keep my options open.

Health Update

Hi,

I thought I'd give a little health update here, in case someone is interested. 

I saw the endocrinologist on Thursday, but she only did more blood tests and now I'm really hoping that they will be really out of range so that I get treatment. I've been taking Agnus Castus since November and it has balanced my hormones and reduced my migraines a lot. I also take strong C and D vitamin supplements, which are supposed to make me feel better. The doctor didn't believe that natural remedies would in anyway affect my condition, but from experience I can say that I feel a lot better now than I did in the autumn. But I still need some treatment.

Waiting for the bus.

I got a new swimming costume in the mail, so I could try and go swimming soon. Swimming is good because it gives me an excuse to leave the house, it's exercise and my muscles get stronger. It also helps my back pains and gives me an opportunity to get clean.

Right now instead of writing this, I would just really like to go back to bed. I've been up for 5 hours already, but before that I slept for 20 hours. For most of the time I've been up, I've been reading about hypothyroidism. I've been ticking the boxes on the ThyroidUK's symptom list, and have quite a lot of them. 

Goodbye, 2013.

Hello!

I've read several blog posts were people have been looking back to last year. I'm a couple of weeks late with this, but I finally decided that I could do it as well. At first, I really didn't want to. But maybe it might be good for me? It could be therapeutic, and maybe I'd see that last year wasn't completely pointless. You can't get forward if you live in the past, but you also can't get forward if you ignore what's happened.

Would you like to hear what my last year was like?

January

I welcomed the year 2013 in London. Satu and I had gone to see the fireworks at Thames. I felt hopeful. We spent a few days eating cheap chicken burgers and buying expensive underwear. Then we went to Glasgow where obviously everything was closed because it takes so long for all the Scots to sober up after their Hogmanay celebrations. When the shops opened again we spent a day shopping cosmetics. Later that month I went on a little runaway holiday in Germany. By myself. I visited a friend in Cologne and went to see my host family in Rheinland-Pfalz area and spent a couple of days exploring Bremen by myself. I met interesting people, and visited Finland as well, because the flights were only 12 euros from Germany.

February

University term started again. I was trying to keep everything together with a part-time job that was taking way too much out of me, managing seminars and all the uniwork that I was already a bit behind with, a crumbling relationship, loneliness, and recurrent migraines. I realised that Skype is actually a very useful tool when you want to socialise with your friends when you can't be in the same place. I also ate lots of Lucky Charm cereals, although it was really expensive to buy them in UK. But they seemed to be the only happy thing in my life at the time. What else would you expect from the gayest cereal there is?

March

I had serious social anxiety problems, migraines and was running out of energy and managing everything was becoming more difficult. I watched a lot of Youtube videos, practised wearing make-up, and spent a lot of money on cosmetics. I was mentally very close to reaching a breaking point, but still managed to make it to a few social events, like the Gaylidh - my university's LGBT society's annual ball. I also signed the petition for equal marriage in Finland.

April

The month started with a break up. Then there was a field tip I had been dreading for a half a year. I really wasn't looking forward to it, but it didn't end up being as scary and awful as I had feared. The month went on and I started enjoying my life as a single. My friend Tom came to visit and we did a lot of touristy things that I hadn't had the energy to do alone. We visited Glasgow, went to a football game, ceilidhed, ate pub food and drank beer.

May

I flew to Finland to throw some rice in a family wedding, celebrate Vappu with my friend Tiia and met Laura again after several years. I flew back to Scotland, wrote some essays, gave a speech in a conference and went camping. I started to find reasons to be happy again, and began to build up my confidence. Laura came to visit me in Scotland and I drove 15 people to a dance with a minibus.

June

I quit my job and phoned my mum to tell her that I had a girlfriend. Laura and I went to Pride Scotia in Edinburgh. I listened to a lot of Mindy Gledhill. I participated a Gothic themed pub crawl. I was also working on my dissertation, rolling in soil and practising augering.

July

I went to North Rona, which is definitely one of the most incredible places I've ever visited. I also realised how burned out I was and started a sick leave which finally gave me the chance to start stitching my mental health together and finding out what's up with those migraines. It's a long journey, but that's when it began. I showed Laura more of Scotland, enjoyed summer and when Tiia came to Aberdeen, we celebrated our friendship by drinking champagne and buying pretty dresses.

August

I spent to whole month - more or less actively, looking for a new place to live. I also went for a holiday in Finland, where I got to spend some quality time with my best friends. I also visited Tallinn and Copenhagen for the first time. Satu and her brother visited Scotland and we did some sightseeing with them. 

September

I returned to university to carry on my research.  Laura and I moved in together. The move allowed me to start feeling mentally better and to change GPs. I tried to get an appointment so that I could finally get referred to a specialist, but there were long queues. Kata returned to Scotland and became our flatmate. The three of us had a civil war against the bugs living in our house. Laura started university.

October

I got new glasses, started learning Japanese, and bought myself a swimming pool membership. Lots of swimming, sushi and Japanese television. Even my laptop turned Japanese. That's all I did this month besides sleeping. I had the worst medication ever which meant that during two weeks I was only awake for maybe 28 hours. Then I stopped taking it.

November

Our flatmate Kata went to Africa and Laura and I sat at home in the dark. I burned lots of candles. I finally got blood tests done, and the results were abnormal enough to get a referral to a specialist. It was great, but I was feeling so ill and was worried that my brain might leak out. I turned to some natural remedies while I was in the 3-month long queue to see the specialist. It snowed and we decorated our house Christmassy.

December

I had a birthday, danced a little bit and burned candles. It was cold, so Laura and I bought pink onesies and hanged around the house looking cool. Then it was time to fly to Finland to spend Christmas there. The person in charge of the weather hadn't got my memo about snow, so there was no snow the whole time I was in Finland, but there were friends, family, warmth, food and a cat.

It's been quite a year. I'm not sure if I've now told a bit too much, but perhaps it's something I have to do in order to say bye bye to 2013. Were you surprised to hear something? Have you said bye bye to your 2013 yet? 

Now lets carry on with 2014. This year we have 340 days left to change our lives.

Who even am I?

I find it very stressful to introduce myself. Especially when I have to tell people more than just my name. Should I tell them things that I don't even identify with? Not lies, but just things about me that I don't feel that really describe me very well. It would help to keep the distance and stop them from knowing the real me. I am afraid to tell people anything that would let them close to knowing the “real me”. What if they don't like me?

Am I cool enough to pull off these shoes?

Lately, I've started thinking about this problem more. I'm not sure why I feel that way. But then again, I'm not even sure how I would describe myself. What could I tell people? I'm not even sure if I am enough anything to present myself as something.

Then, I stumbled across a tumblr page called "...and that's who I am". There were many pictures with little sentences all ending with “and that's who I am”. I scrolled down the page and saved all the pictures I felt I identified with on my computer. It actually felt really therapeutic. I feel that seeing things that I identify with written on the computer screen made me feel that it was more justified to see those things as something that I am. It kind of felt like I was given a permission to be me. I looked at those pictures again today and I think I might be ready to be brave enough to share those pictures that represent me with the blogger world. It's scary, to show people who I really am, but I think I might be ready to do it. The blogger world is probably tired of “and that's who I am” related blog posts, but this is my first attempt, so I'm going to do it anyway.

I am going to use these pictures as a tool to show my readers who I am. I have saved so many pictures that I will have to do this over several posts. To make it even more personal, I'm going to say something about each picture. Although I will be using pictures I saved directly from the tumblr page, showing these things makes me feel very naked.

This first post will be the deepest and the darkest one.

Are you ready?