Tuesday 30 July 2013

Am I out of control?

As a part of my attempt to do new things I've decided to visit two places that I haven't been to before. I can't believe I haven't been to those places! 


I lived 18 years of my life in Finland and have never been to Estonia. I mentioned this to one of my best friends and she decided that she would take me out to Tallinn for a day. Finally, I will get to see what Helsinki was founded to compete against!


Tallinn.


Another capital that I have passed by several times is Copenhagen. I've been to Denmark but only spent time in the mainland. So now I have a day visit to Copenhagen planned as well. We're going to go and take a photo of that little Little Mermaid statue and eat sandwiches. How exciting!


But thinking about these short-visits made me realise that I don't have any suitable luggage for a one-day around-town and a nights stay. I needed something small enough to carry around with me but big enough to fit my pyjamas and a toothbrush in. So basically I decided that I need a very big handbag.

I went out and bought this:

My new travel bag!

It's big and has leopard print on it. A few years younger version of myself would be shocked. I did not like leopard print. Or pink. Last week I bought something that had pink leopard print on it. Teenager-me would not approve.


But then I thought that because I, for some unknown reason, like the bag now, I should just get it and enjoy this feeling. This bag and I have some great adventures ahead of us. It doesn't even matter if no one else likes this bag, because I do and it's my bag now.

I am not sure why I had to convince myself that it's okay to like this bag - it's just a bag after all - but maybe I care too much about what others might think, even more than "betraying" my old self.

I have recently bought so many things with leopard print on them... Besides this bag, I also have tissue boxes, shoes, a dress, pyjamas, a bra, multiple pants, things and I nearly bought tweezers today as well. But it's okay.  I've stopped avoiding pink like plague as well.

I kind of like this dress:

It's Ruby & Grace Scuba Party dress.

I also like neon colours! But it's probably not a new thing.  I gave my old neon yellow shoes to my friend who really wanted them, last week.  I might want neon pink ones now. Maybe one day.

Saturday 27 July 2013

First times


Someone once said that you should try and do something new everyday. After spending a year mostly sitting alone in my room, it sounds very extreme to me. But it also sound like something I should really try to do!

This week I've done many things!

I've drank champagne dressed up in sequins,


There's just no space for unhappiness if you have champagne and sequins.

had a house party at my flat,

There were two of my favourite people and two people I had never met before.
The blinds fell down and the floor I had just washed got very sticky.
broken some rules,

We also polkaed on the beach barefoot.

found a random taxi driver who was just picking up his wife from work and convinced him to take me to the airport to catch a flight that was supposed to leave in 45 minutes.


Miraculously we made it although the check-in desk had already closed when we got there.

And stroked a hairless cat dressed up as a dinosaur.

Thank you, Henri!


It's been a busy week.

Other than that I've come to realise that I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. But this year has taught me that trying to keep working when life is full of stress and there's no happiness – it's not worth it. If I had known what I know now, I probably would have quit earlier. My life involved long days of trying to keep on top of my part-time job that was there to help me pay my rent and doing all of the uniwork for my masters. I felt too busy and too stressed out to meet friends in my very limited free time which I mostly spent crying alone at home, and as the year went on I became too nervous to even try and meet up with anyone. It was a very lonely year. My job was lonely as well, I was working alone when there was no one else there and my class situation at the university alarmingly reminded me of secondary school. I felt socially lonely – which is even a worse feeling than just feeling lonely when you're on your own.



That's not how I imagined my life to be. When I was little and obsessed with the TV series Friends, I wished that one day my life would be like theirs: I would live with my friends, have fun and they would be there for me when it hasn't been my day, month or even a year.





But basically, after somehow (barely) surviving this year, I want this all to change. I am currently looking for a flat where I could live with friends. Haven't found anything yet, and am mentally preparing myself to live in a cardboard box, but at least I don't want to be alone anymore. I also never again want to be in such a toxic environment that it's slowly killing me. If one day, for instance, I would manage to get a job, where I have to work with complete arseholes who are not treating me nicely and try to smoke me out, I am not going to stick around to see whether they mange to mess up my life or not. All I want from my future from now on, is happiness and I am not ready to negotiate it anymore.

Have you done anything new for the first time recently?

Wednesday 17 July 2013

Individuality, equality and diversity!



Big words, guys. But if I'm going to start talking about things without censoring most of my thoughts, this might be a good topic to start with. And I will without a doubt be coming back to this. I'll just write about individuality today, but all three of these topics are interlinked.

When I was at school we had a photo competition which theme was “individually together”. The concept made sense to me then, and it still does. But unfortunately it does not make sense to everyone and it's very sad. So many people are trying to “fit the crowd” and look “normal”. Do what “society thinks is right” instead of being who they are.

Okay, I must admit that I was never the coolest of kids. And still am not. I mean, I look like this in my holiday photos:


It was a holiday in Lewis in 2010!


And surprise, surprise! I was bullied at school. I never really understood why I got bullied. I didn't really think of it at the time, I just did my best at ignoring it. But then I came across a news paper article where the journalist had interviewed a class and found out what kind of reasons will be used as excuses for bullying.

Here are the reasons they listed:



Wrong clothes. Clothes that are five years old, discount store clothes, charity shop clothes, cartoon character -tops, Gothic style, Lolita style, heavy rocker style, or anything that might make you look gay.

Wrong music. Anything ancient or classical. Church music. Anything that the majority doesn't listen to. Basically you have to listen to bands that are on top10 lists.


Wrong hobbies. Guides, computer games, larping, archery, violin, golf, church clubs, fantasy books, Irish dance, martial arts if you're a girl and ballet, riding or piano if you're a boy. Basically you're not “allowed to” have any “weird” or different hobbies – such as dance if you're a boy.

Wrong ideologies. Religiousness, vegetarianism, or accepting gay rights. Basically you're not allowed to enjoy reading or fantasy. Or have much opinions about anything.


Thank goodness I'm not at school anymore. This explains why I got bullied. I could post pictures of myself doing all of those things “wrong”, but I probably don't have to. And I'm glad I did. I never wanted to be a robot who wore what the other girls told me to wear, listened to crappy top10 lists and had no opinions. I had a lot more fun wearing Tinker Bell -tops, going to church clubs and camps, listening to emo music, playing computer games, reading fantasy books and generally just being a weird, opinionated homosexual.



This is how "amazing" the picture quality was in older camera phones.


It was way more fun being weird! My freetime activities were amazing. Here, for instance, I went to a clothes store with my friend and we both chose each other the most awful outfits and then took photos in the changing room. This is what teenagers should do, instead of learning how to became a robot.

And this topic is not only relevant to those who are at school and going through those horrible teenager years trying to figure out who they are while being under constant pressure of not doing anything that wouldn't be accepted by their peers. This is relevant to anyone! No matter what your age is, you can still discover new things about yourself and new ways to express yourself. Start a new hobby, explore new hairstyles or get into motorcycles. There are mums out there who are afraid to get tattoos and piercings or other mums wouldn't let their children to play with their kids. There are grandmas who wonder what their friends might say if they got a purple mohawk*. There are men who really want to wear skirts instead of trousers because it's hot outside. Such things won't change their ability to function as members of society. Those little things that would be a part of their individual appearance would only make them happier and more lively. And happy people can do anything! Those who judge should go home and think about what makes them so angry.

One of my favourite bands, PMMP, released this song 4 years ago.




It is amazing. Here are some bits of the lyrics in English**:


They shout furiously: “No! Men don't behave like that!”
I guess beauty offends them
But although they make fun of my body
They can never touch my soul

My clothes that people make fun of
and my feather boa that is so despised here
need more glitter when I get there
or otherwise I will be unnoticed in the eclectic crowd

There, family cars are not the only cars stuck in the traffic jam
There are buses and limousines side by side

I will not swallow tears but champagne instead
I will dress up in sequins from head to toe

The mouths don't mock and not a single finger rises
I'm not afraid that I won't find anyone
And like a bird I will rise up
I was never a prisoner of my body after all


Seriously it's the best song ever. It's all about equality and being accepted as who you are. Sadly in this song, the person had to leave somewhere else, but that's just something you need to do if you're surroundings are poisonous. But we are all gorgeous as who we are! And all of us are allowed to wear whatever we like, whatever makes us confident and happy. And that's the beauty of it. Life would be boring if everyone just wore hoodies and jeans.

So, who wants to dress up in sequins and come and drink champagne with me?

Featuring Scottish countryside.

I have muffins.

* True story! She came in to book an appointment when I was at the hairdressers.
** I'm sorry, but my translation skills suck. Please let me know if you know how to translate this song better.

Sunday 14 July 2013

Hey, How's it going!?


Life is crazy and I'm high on caffeine when I'm writing this. I went to see a psychiatrist this week. He asked a lot of really stupid questions and I told him that I don't want to see him again*. Well, that's not the whole story, but his claims got me thinking.

The reason why I haven't done much blog writing at all is that I am afraid to say things. It is scary to write down my thoughts for everyone to read, and I am worried I might offend people. I am also worried that people might find things I say inappropriate. But at the same time it's all a bit silly because I accidentally tend to offend people in real life all the time. And someone is always going to disagree with me no matter what I say – there is no way that everyone would like what I say! 
When I was in elementary school and we were learning percentages one calculation we were asked was: “How many people in your class like ice cream?” And we were not allowed to ask everyone, we were just meant to assume that everyone likes ice cream. It's really stupid to teach kids stuff like that. DIVERSITY! 
P.S. I don't like ice cream. Except Ben & Jerry's Baked Alaska. Or maybe something else during special moments when it's a hot summer day.

But maybe I should be braver about being me! I've accidentally stumbled across blogs and vlogs that have inspired me about this topic.

Jenna Marbles posted a video about it recently.




It is very different from her other videos, but has a very important message!

And yesterday I stumbled upon Lauren's blog.

It was inspiring. She writes in Finnish, but posts a lot of pictures too. She's provocative, sexual, open and not afraid to show who she is. Don't worry, there won't be any pornographic pictures of me here, but I might try and start to write more about my life here. And stop being so worried about shocking people. I shall post pictures of pants if I want to! Those who wish to disapprove may disapprove. The psychiatrist claimed that I should share more about myself with strangers. I am not sure what kind of mental healthcare tip that was supposed to be.

But to be honest, after finally coming out to mum, I should have the courage to write about my life and thoughts a little bit more openly here too!


Picture of me when I used to be brave.


Anyway, the point of this post was to let you know that I have decided to try and be a little bit braver, and a little bit more openly me from now on. The scary thing is that all the negativity from people is so much more hurtful when they can see all the real you. I'll let you know how it goes and whether I would recommend it or not.


* I don't have anything against psychiatrists and I am in favour of mental healthcare, but I have no idea where this one got his qualifications from. Even my cat understands people and psychology better than him.