Year 2014 - autumn!

Hi!

So now it's time for the second part of this 2014 reminiscing thing I thought I'd do. In case you missed the first half, here's months January - June.

...So what happened in the autumn 2014?

July

July started with a trip to the vet. My cat died, and we buried him. I was very sad. I also spent a lot of time with my family members and best friends while I was still in Finland. I went to see my brother's first own flat, went strawberry picking with my sister and went to the Moominland with my best friends and goddaughter. Soon it was time to get back home to Scotland, but the weather was actually really lovely and warm so I got to go to the beach a couple of times before that! After that the rest of the month was just routine: working either early mornings or afternoons and getting home really late. 

These picture collages actually make my time in Finland look really long. It was actually less than two weeks, but it just happened to be the end of June and beginning of July and the most significant thing that happened to me in the summer.

August

August was actually pretty cool. I discovered my new favourite beer: Tsingtao 青島啤酒廠, a Chinese beer. There was also Aurora International Festival 2014 : a group of French folk dancers travelled from Toulouse to Aberdeen by bus (!) to perform their dances and to experience the Scottish culture. I went to a couple of their events and had a great time - they were such lovely people!

But the best thing in August was Manchester Pride Festival. It was such an amazing and well organised event! They had so many things going on and the whole Manchester Gay Village was accessible only with the festival wristband (which was really cheap considering all the events included in it!) which made it feel really safe as well. During a regular weekend, Manchester is fantastic compared to Aberdeen. Instead of one gay bar you get a whole street full of them plus a couple of extras but during the Pride Weekend it was just incredible! I spoke to one straight girl who had come to the festival just because she thought it would be a great event and she was so excited she said she would come back next year too. (So that's this year! Who wants to come with me?!) It was like one of these big all-weekend music festivals that I've been to before in my life but with all sorts of amazing extras. And really good performers. I'm so excited I saw Heather Peace, Foxes and Conchita Wurst. From front row. ... Aaahhh!  

Also, I sent my mum a postcard from Pride. That's something I thought I'd never do. Last time I went to a Pride Festival I had to lie to her and claim that I went somewhere else.

September

Carrying on with this theme of each months highlight being a trip somewhere: September was about Crete. I had never been to a beach holiday before. I had actually never travelled anywhere where it would be sunny or warm. My previous holiday destinations have ranged between Alaskan tundra, an uninhabited island in the middle of the North Sea, Germany in the winter etc. So I guess you can imagine my excitement? And perhaps understand that only 5% of the clothes I packed were actually even suitable for such weather conditions. It was so hot. What is that madness of not needing a jacket? Even in the evening? Mediterranean was such a beautiful and lovely place. I smothered myself with sun screen and enjoyed the sun and a few great cocktails. I was so pleased with the expensive sandals I had bought for this trip. I didn't want to wear anything else during this trip.

That trip was just so much more amazing than the new green coke – Coca-Cola Life –  that has 37% less white sugar because it has been replaced by Stevia sugar. But it was probably the most exciting thing in my life to happen in September besides the holiday. I mean, green coke. What is that?

October

October was wet. Very wet. And I was getting a bit tired. I went swimming, but it was pretty much the only excitement in my life. I felt a bit lonely as well. I was working only evenings anymore which I didn't really like – I preferred to have a mixture of late and early shifts. I wasn't really happy with how things were in my life. I started applying for new jobs and funding to go back to uni.

November

In November I got early shifts again and got to run to work with the bunnies before dawn! It made me feel so much better. I was also feeling really Christmassy since at work there had been all sorts of Christmas stuff going on for over a month already. So I put our Christmas tree up mid-November and listened to a lot of Christmas music. I also attended my work's Christmas party which was quite an experience... Before that I, however, had a sophisticated day trip to Fraserburgh's Lighthouse Museum which I would like to visit again, because we didn't actually have enough time to go and see the actual lighthouse.

Finland's government passed the equal marriage law which was a good reason for a wee celebration and some bubbly wine! It went well with some fajitas and a good lesbian movie Better Than Chocolate. 

I also had another successful job interview! I decided not to take it though because I also got money to go back to university.

December

December was fabulous. I quit my job and flew to Finland where I spent the first three days sweating and having problems breathing because the houses were so warm and the air was so very dry. And then there was snow! And my brother had a new kitten! And I went on a Turku-Stockholm party cruise twice! And there was Christmas and I loved all the lovely Christmas trees and all the yummy food!

I also turned 25 in December which is a bit scary because it's a quarter of a century which makes me sound really old. Like should I be sensible and know what I'm doing in life? I know nothing. But it's OK. I had a small birthday outing on my actual birthday but it ended up being like a double date in a table reserved for 10 people in a restaurant. It was a bit embarrassing, but at least the most important people were there. So much for those friends who didn't show up. But Tiia offered me a birthday dinner in a fancy restaurant when I arrived in Finland and afterwards we went to see Turku Christmas market!

I also liked that silly white T-shirt. I took that picture when I first saw it before Christmas and bought it later in January sales. Now I can wear it and be creepy.

The end. 

Okay, life goes on, and 2015 looks fairly promising!

Confusing labels cause fights!

Hello!

Did you hear that Scotland passed the Equal Marriage law yesterday?! 

Yay, now I can get married! 

Well, almost. Now I would just like Finland to follow this example.

Rainbow flag at our university's societies' building!

Okay, because I wasn't going to go wedding dress shopping right now, I thought I'd write a little rant about a completely different topic. Is this even going to be a rant? Aren't you supposed to be angry at someone when you have a rant? I don't feel angry. And I actually really hope I won't offend anyone. I just want to bring these things up, so that they could be discussed. But this is partly about how people seem to get very offended by everything these days. 

People find it natural to label everything. So I just wanted to share some of my thoughts about labels we have for different genders and sexual orientations.

I got inspired to write this post after I read tau's blog post (in Finnish). She wrote about how very few people know about her pansexuality, because she's in a relationship with a boy, and doesn't really see why she should come out to everyone she meets. She also points out that in order to even talk about her feelings or orientation, she needs to pick a box and stand in it.

And she chose pansexuality. This made me want to write about pansexuality.

Picture from knowhomo.tumblr.com.

Do you know what "pansexual" means?

Does anyone know?

Is pansexuality just the ultimate category for those who got tired of questioning and finally felt that they don't really mind what gender their partners represent? Or is it just a fancy word for bisexuality that some people use to confuse people? Is it a fashion trend?

It could be any of those things, but probably for most pansexuals it's not. It could be a conversation starter. If you ask about their sexual orientation, and they reply pansexual, then they've only told you that gender is not important to them when they are looking for a partner. But you still haven't got an answer to what kind of people they're interested in.

But why do you need to have a label? Why can't people just be people?

I used to label myself pansexual when it was less acceptable for me to just be gay. It was important to have a label, because people would keep asking questions. I'm still bitter that I had to fill a form to university where the options were:

Heterosexual

Bisexual

Lesbian

Gay man

Prefer not to say 

Because back then I had a boyfriend, I felt that I couldn't really tick the lesbian box. I was kind of tempted to claim that I was a gay man just because I didn't see the point for separating "gay men" and "lesbians" when the other groups were grouped together and when there was a separate question for my gender next to it. And I didn't want to choose the last option, because I really preferred to tell them that I was LGBT since they were asking. In the end I answered "bisexual" although I felt that that label didn't really describe me. And later I realised how unfair it was for all the bisexuals that I would even call myself bisexual. 

There's enough biphobia without me jumping around as a bad example. 

"You can't like both genders, they'll all eventually just go back to men/women."

"Bisexuality is just a phase before they come out as gay." 

I don't want to make it worse and just ticked the lesbian box the next time I had to fill the same form. It felt a lot better.

Maybe everyone who identifies as a pansexual has their own definition for the term?

Oh, there are so many different kinds of pans.

Goodbye, 2013.

Hello!

I've read several blog posts were people have been looking back to last year. I'm a couple of weeks late with this, but I finally decided that I could do it as well. At first, I really didn't want to. But maybe it might be good for me? It could be therapeutic, and maybe I'd see that last year wasn't completely pointless. You can't get forward if you live in the past, but you also can't get forward if you ignore what's happened.

Would you like to hear what my last year was like?

January

I welcomed the year 2013 in London. Satu and I had gone to see the fireworks at Thames. I felt hopeful. We spent a few days eating cheap chicken burgers and buying expensive underwear. Then we went to Glasgow where obviously everything was closed because it takes so long for all the Scots to sober up after their Hogmanay celebrations. When the shops opened again we spent a day shopping cosmetics. Later that month I went on a little runaway holiday in Germany. By myself. I visited a friend in Cologne and went to see my host family in Rheinland-Pfalz area and spent a couple of days exploring Bremen by myself. I met interesting people, and visited Finland as well, because the flights were only 12 euros from Germany.

February

University term started again. I was trying to keep everything together with a part-time job that was taking way too much out of me, managing seminars and all the uniwork that I was already a bit behind with, a crumbling relationship, loneliness, and recurrent migraines. I realised that Skype is actually a very useful tool when you want to socialise with your friends when you can't be in the same place. I also ate lots of Lucky Charm cereals, although it was really expensive to buy them in UK. But they seemed to be the only happy thing in my life at the time. What else would you expect from the gayest cereal there is?

March

I had serious social anxiety problems, migraines and was running out of energy and managing everything was becoming more difficult. I watched a lot of Youtube videos, practised wearing make-up, and spent a lot of money on cosmetics. I was mentally very close to reaching a breaking point, but still managed to make it to a few social events, like the Gaylidh - my university's LGBT society's annual ball. I also signed the petition for equal marriage in Finland.

April

The month started with a break up. Then there was a field tip I had been dreading for a half a year. I really wasn't looking forward to it, but it didn't end up being as scary and awful as I had feared. The month went on and I started enjoying my life as a single. My friend Tom came to visit and we did a lot of touristy things that I hadn't had the energy to do alone. We visited Glasgow, went to a football game, ceilidhed, ate pub food and drank beer.

May

I flew to Finland to throw some rice in a family wedding, celebrate Vappu with my friend Tiia and met Laura again after several years. I flew back to Scotland, wrote some essays, gave a speech in a conference and went camping. I started to find reasons to be happy again, and began to build up my confidence. Laura came to visit me in Scotland and I drove 15 people to a dance with a minibus.

June

I quit my job and phoned my mum to tell her that I had a girlfriend. Laura and I went to Pride Scotia in Edinburgh. I listened to a lot of Mindy Gledhill. I participated a Gothic themed pub crawl. I was also working on my dissertation, rolling in soil and practising augering.

July

I went to North Rona, which is definitely one of the most incredible places I've ever visited. I also realised how burned out I was and started a sick leave which finally gave me the chance to start stitching my mental health together and finding out what's up with those migraines. It's a long journey, but that's when it began. I showed Laura more of Scotland, enjoyed summer and when Tiia came to Aberdeen, we celebrated our friendship by drinking champagne and buying pretty dresses.

August

I spent to whole month - more or less actively, looking for a new place to live. I also went for a holiday in Finland, where I got to spend some quality time with my best friends. I also visited Tallinn and Copenhagen for the first time. Satu and her brother visited Scotland and we did some sightseeing with them. 

September

I returned to university to carry on my research.  Laura and I moved in together. The move allowed me to start feeling mentally better and to change GPs. I tried to get an appointment so that I could finally get referred to a specialist, but there were long queues. Kata returned to Scotland and became our flatmate. The three of us had a civil war against the bugs living in our house. Laura started university.

October

I got new glasses, started learning Japanese, and bought myself a swimming pool membership. Lots of swimming, sushi and Japanese television. Even my laptop turned Japanese. That's all I did this month besides sleeping. I had the worst medication ever which meant that during two weeks I was only awake for maybe 28 hours. Then I stopped taking it.

November

Our flatmate Kata went to Africa and Laura and I sat at home in the dark. I burned lots of candles. I finally got blood tests done, and the results were abnormal enough to get a referral to a specialist. It was great, but I was feeling so ill and was worried that my brain might leak out. I turned to some natural remedies while I was in the 3-month long queue to see the specialist. It snowed and we decorated our house Christmassy.

December

I had a birthday, danced a little bit and burned candles. It was cold, so Laura and I bought pink onesies and hanged around the house looking cool. Then it was time to fly to Finland to spend Christmas there. The person in charge of the weather hadn't got my memo about snow, so there was no snow the whole time I was in Finland, but there were friends, family, warmth, food and a cat.

It's been quite a year. I'm not sure if I've now told a bit too much, but perhaps it's something I have to do in order to say bye bye to 2013. Were you surprised to hear something? Have you said bye bye to your 2013 yet? 

Now lets carry on with 2014. This year we have 340 days left to change our lives.

Non-disastrous family holidays?

Happy new year, bunnies!

I hope all of you had enjoyable holidays! My holidays this year were different. For me. For most people it's probably normal to spend Christmas at their childhood home and see lots of family members, but I hadn't done that for 3 years. And this time I brought someone with me! There was some great potential for holiday conflicts.

Is it too late to tell you about my Christmas? I mean it's so last year... But nevermind! Last Christmas was such a positive surprise for me that I'm going to tell you about it anyway. I didn't get the snow I was hoping to see but everything else went very well.

I've never spent a Christmas with a partner before. As much as I've enjoyed spending my Christmas Eves wrapping presents in a Harry Potter -like cupboard at the bottom of the stairs in my friend's house in Edinburgh, it felt more meaningful to light up candles to family graves and warm up afterwards in the sauna with Laura. She met all of my family members and I met hers. And to my great surprise, everyone was nice to each other. I still can't believe how well my family behaved and how nice and welcoming Laura's family was! Did I mention that her sister made me TARDIS earrings?

Laura and I stayed at my mum's place over the Christmas. On Christmas Eve we had dinner at my grandparents, and then visited graveyards. In the evening, we went and had dessert at my grandparents' friends' house. My brother wasn't pleased about all these activities, because he was very keen on opening the presents. But we did get home before midnight to open them! On Christmas morning, my best Loimaa-friend, Anna, and I went to church. I tried to take Laura with me but, she told me that if I wanted her not to be grumpy for the rest of the day, I'd better let her sleep. But later that day, Laura and I went to Anna's and and a little Christmas celebration with her. 

On Boxing Day it was time to dine with my Dad's family at my grandad's. After that Laura and I drove to Hyvinkää to her sister's place, so that we all would be ready to go and visit her grandparents on 27th. With all of these scary family meetings, and introducing Laura to my grandparents, I had completely forgotten to be nervous about meeting her grandparents. But I was welcomed in with lots of hugs! And I found my godfather's meat boutique's products in their fridge. It wasn't really what I expected to find there, considering that we were 200 kilometres from the boutique. But again, we ate more good Finnish Christmas food, and got an opportunity to use their wood-heated sauna.

But Christmas is not the only thing to celebrate in December. My mum turned 50 on New Year's Eve and we had the biggest Birthday-Hogmanay party that we've ever had. And my friend Tiia graduated as a occupational therapist which of course was a great reason for a party. First she came and celebrated with just Laura and me in Loimaa's vibrant nightlife, and between Christmas and Hogmanay she had a party at her place in Turku.

I am so happy that I got a chance to spend so time with my best Finnish friends. And there were many opportunities to enjoy saunas! And to drink coffee. Sauna, Finnish coffee and my cat are the three things I miss the most when I'm in Scotland.

It was such a relaxing holiday. I thought that meeting so many family members would be stressful, but somehow hardly any of it was. The things were about to get a bit steamy when my mum got stressed out about our packing. I can understand that it maybe looked disastrous with two hardly closing suitcases, and a couple of over-filled backpacks and handbags. Especially when my only shoes broke and I had to buy new ones on our departure day. But instead of a huge fight, we managed to escape and went to drink some coffee with my friend Jonna and my goddaughter. We came up with great plans to go and see Moomins next summer!

This holiday was exactly what I needed. Especially when we had some mini-holidays on the way back. When it's cheaper to travel via Stockholm and Oxford, it's always a great idea to stop and enjoy those places as well. Stockholm was cute and Oxford was the best as always. I hadn't been to Oxford for 5½ years, but it was still just as wonderful as I remembered it! But I'll tell you more about our return journey and the adventures we faced in another post.

Is there something you would like me to write more about? 

Family, friends and future

It's crazy o'clock and I'm drinking lumpy chocolate milk and burning a Yankee candle while I'm writing this. I just had a candlelit shower. It was awesome. I'm kind of glad this no-light-in-the-bathroom incident happened. Otherwise I would have never bothered lighting candles in the bathroom just so that I could have a shower. I feel clean and happy now.

I think this is a fantastic moment to tell you something about me. This time I'm going to tell you about my background. Me, my family, friends and my future wishes relating to family and friends. And I'm going to be using "...and that's who I am" pictures again.

Ready to find out more about me?

Who even am I?

I find it very stressful to introduce myself. Especially when I have to tell people more than just my name. Should I tell them things that I don't even identify with? Not lies, but just things about me that I don't feel that really describe me very well. It would help to keep the distance and stop them from knowing the real me. I am afraid to tell people anything that would let them close to knowing the “real me”. What if they don't like me?

Am I cool enough to pull off these shoes?

Lately, I've started thinking about this problem more. I'm not sure why I feel that way. But then again, I'm not even sure how I would describe myself. What could I tell people? I'm not even sure if I am enough anything to present myself as something.

Then, I stumbled across a tumblr page called "...and that's who I am". There were many pictures with little sentences all ending with “and that's who I am”. I scrolled down the page and saved all the pictures I felt I identified with on my computer. It actually felt really therapeutic. I feel that seeing things that I identify with written on the computer screen made me feel that it was more justified to see those things as something that I am. It kind of felt like I was given a permission to be me. I looked at those pictures again today and I think I might be ready to be brave enough to share those pictures that represent me with the blogger world. It's scary, to show people who I really am, but I think I might be ready to do it. The blogger world is probably tired of “and that's who I am” related blog posts, but this is my first attempt, so I'm going to do it anyway.

I am going to use these pictures as a tool to show my readers who I am. I have saved so many pictures that I will have to do this over several posts. To make it even more personal, I'm going to say something about each picture. Although I will be using pictures I saved directly from the tumblr page, showing these things makes me feel very naked.

This first post will be the deepest and the darkest one.

Are you ready?

Snails and bunnies

Hey!

So, moving house happened. Life's looking a lot brighter now! About a week ago we packed our bags and moved to our new place. Instead of broken glass on the street and seagulls screaming outside that we had at the old place, we now see snails on the road outside our house and there are bunnies jumping around in our backyard.

Our fellow resident.

Moving house was really exciting. Unfortunately all of our stuff did not fit into a suitcase. We did a few trips with bags and suitcases, but last weekend I hired a van, so that we could move rest of our stuff. I miss driving. I would like to be able to drive more. Then I might get better at it and stop worrying about it so much. But having a car made moving a lot easier than shifting all of our stuff on a public transport. I'm not an expert house-mover, and I actually kind of hate moving. But it's probably because I have more stuff than I would like to. But I own too many things that I don't want to throw away. Having my own museum would be useful. All the things, I don't actively want to have in my life could go there. Like weird presents and old school books that might come in handy one day.

Waiting for a bus to take us home.

But now when the move is almost done, I like knowing exactly what I have. Some things have gone missing, but I've found things that I didn't know I had. I didn't know I had 10 toothbrushes or chopsticks! Okay, the chopsticks look kind of disposable and I have probably nicked them from a Chinese restaurant when I ended up using a fork and decided that I should really practise using chopsticks at home before I end up in an Asian restaurant the next time. I have since then realised that you can just stab the food with one stick and use the other to pretend that you are eating with them sophisticatedly.

Eating cereal is a lot easier than eating Asian food.

Since moving to the new place, a thought has occurred to me. I realised that some of my headaches and migraines might be caused by my sight. I went to see an optician, and my sight hasn't actually changed too much, but enough to get new glasses. So now I'm going to get new glasses too! My girlfriend thinks they look too hipster. But she's going to get glasses I won't like, so it's all even. That's what relationships are about - compromises and making sure all the feelings are mutual.

I have also been wondering about how I don't know when to come out to people. When should I and when shouldn't I? Does anyone know? Because I am really not sure. 

Is it appropriate to tell strangers that I have a girlfriend? For instance, when an optician asks about my week, is it acceptable to talk about putting furniture together with my girlfriend? For some reason, I feel that she might not want to hear about it – that she might see it as something too private. But if it was a boyfriend I was putting furniture together with, I maybe would not feel that it would be too much information to the poor optician. But why should homosexuality be more private than heterosexuality? And what about when she's just assumed to be my friend? When, for instance, a waiter asks me about “my friend's order”, should I tell them that she's actually my girlfriend? Or would that be rude? Should I just settle for people assuming that I'm out with a friend? I mean, girlfriend is still a friend, right? 

This is probably something that is not only a problem same-sex couples have. – Or at least I hope that people don't assume anymore that when a boy and a girl are seen together that they are automatically a couple. But what do you think?

Hey, How's it going!?

Life is crazy and I'm high on caffeine when I'm writing this. I went to see a psychiatrist this week. He asked a lot of really stupid questions and I told him that I don't want to see him again*. Well, that's not the whole story, but his claims got me thinking.

The reason why I haven't done much blog writing at all is that I am afraid to say things. It is scary to write down my thoughts for everyone to read, and I am worried I might offend people. I am also worried that people might find things I say inappropriate. But at the same time it's all a bit silly because I accidentally tend to offend people in real life all the time. And someone is always going to disagree with me no matter what I say – there is no way that everyone would like what I say! 
When I was in elementary school and we were learning percentages one calculation we were asked was: “How many people in your class like ice cream?” And we were not allowed to ask everyone, we were just meant to assume that everyone likes ice cream. It's really stupid to teach kids stuff like that. DIVERSITY! 

P.S. I don't like ice cream. Except Ben & Jerry's Baked Alaska. Or maybe something else during special moments when it's a hot summer day.

But maybe I should be braver about being me! I've accidentally stumbled across blogs and vlogs that have inspired me about this topic.

Jenna Marbles posted a video about it recently.

It is very different from her other videos, but has a very important message!

And yesterday I stumbled upon Lauren's blog.

It was inspiring. She writes in Finnish, but posts a lot of pictures too. She's provocative, sexual, open and not afraid to show who she is. Don't worry, there won't be any pornographic pictures of me here, but I might try and start to write more about my life here. And stop being so worried about shocking people. I shall post pictures of pants if I want to! Those who wish to disapprove may disapprove. The psychiatrist claimed that I should share more about myself with strangers. I am not sure what kind of mental healthcare tip that was supposed to be.

But to be honest, after finally coming out to mum, I should have the courage to write about my life and thoughts a little bit more openly here too!

Picture of me when I used to be brave.

Anyway, the point of this post was to let you know that I have decided to try and be a little bit braver, and a little bit more openly me from now on. The scary thing is that all the negativity from people is so much more hurtful when they can see all the real you. I'll let you know how it goes and whether I would recommend it or not.

* I don't have anything against psychiatrists and I am in favour of mental healthcare, but I have no idea where this one got his qualifications from. Even my cat understands people and psychology better than him.