As a part of my attempt to do new things I've decided to visit two places that I haven't been to before. I can't believe I haven't been to those places!
I lived 18 years of my life in Finland and have never been to Estonia. I mentioned this to one of my best friends and she decided that she would take me out to Tallinn for a day. Finally, I will get to see what Helsinki was founded to compete against!
Tallinn.
Another capital that I have passed by several times is Copenhagen. I've been to Denmark but only spent time in the mainland. So now I have a day visit to Copenhagen planned as well. We're going to go and take a photo of that little Little Mermaid statue and eat sandwiches. How exciting!
But thinking about these short-visits made me realise that I don't have any suitable luggage for a one-day around-town and a nights stay. I needed something small enough to carry around with me but big enough to fit my pyjamas and a toothbrush in. So basically I decided that I need a very big handbag.
I went out and bought this:
My new travel bag!
It's big and has leopard print on it. A few years younger version of myself would be shocked. I did not like leopard print. Or pink. Last week I bought something that had pink leopard print on it. Teenager-me would not approve.
But then I thought that because I, for some unknown reason, like the bag now, I should just get it and enjoy this feeling. This bag and I have some great adventures ahead of us. It doesn't even matter if no one else likes this bag, because I do and it's my bag now.
I am not sure why I had to convince myself that it's okay to like this bag - it's just a bag after all - but maybe I care too much about what others might think, even more than "betraying" my old self.
I have recently bought so many things with leopard print on them... Besides this bag, I also have tissue boxes, shoes, a dress, pyjamas, a bra, multiple pants, things and I nearly bought tweezers today as well. But it's okay. I've stopped avoiding pink like plague as well.
I kind of like this dress:
It's Ruby & Grace Scuba Party dress.
I also like neon colours! But it's probably not a new thing. I gave my old neon yellow shoes to my friend who really wanted them, last week. I might want neon pink ones now. Maybe one day.
Someone
once said that you should try and do something new everyday. After
spending a year mostly sitting alone in my room, it sounds very
extreme to me. But it also sound like something I should really try
to do!
This week
I've done many things!
I've drank champagne dressed up in sequins,
There's just no space for unhappiness if you have champagne and sequins.
had a
house party at my flat,
There were two of my favourite people and two people I had never met before.
The blinds fell down and the floor I had just washed got very sticky.
broken
some rules,
We also polkaed on the beach barefoot.
found a
random taxi driver who was just picking up his wife from work and
convinced him to take me to the airport to catch a flight that was
supposed to leave in 45 minutes.
Miraculously we made it although the check-in desk had already closed when we got there.
And
stroked a hairless cat dressed up as a dinosaur.
Thank you, Henri!
It's been
a busy week.
Other
than that I've come to realise that I have no idea what I'm going to
do with my life. But this year has taught me that trying to keep
working when life is full of stress and there's no happiness – it's
not worth it. If I had known what I know now, I probably would have
quit earlier. My life involved long days of trying to keep on top of
my part-time job that was there to help me pay my rent and doing all
of the uniwork for my masters. I felt too busy and too stressed out
to meet friends in my very limited free time which I mostly spent
crying alone at home, and as the year went on I became too nervous to
even try and meet up with anyone. It was a very lonely year. My job
was lonely as well, I was working alone when there was no one else
there and my class situation at the university alarmingly reminded me
of secondary school. I felt socially lonely – which is even a
worse feeling than just feeling lonely when you're on your own.
That's
not how I imagined my life to be. When I was little and obsessed with
the TV series Friends, I
wished that one day my life would be like theirs: I would live
with my friends, have fun and they would be there for me when it
hasn't been my day, month or even a year.
But
basically, after somehow (barely) surviving this year, I want this
all to change. I am currently looking for a flat where I could live
with friends. Haven't found anything yet, and am mentally preparing
myself to live in a cardboard box, but at least I don't want to be
alone anymore. I also never again want to be in such a toxic
environment that it's slowly killing me. If one day, for instance, I
would manage to get a job, where I have to work with complete
arseholes who are not treating me nicely and try to smoke me out, I
am not going to stick around to see whether they mange to mess up my
life or not. All I want from my future from now on, is happiness and
I am not ready to negotiate it anymore.
Have
you done anything new for the first time recently?
Big
words, guys. But if I'm going to start talking about things without
censoring most of my thoughts, this might be a good topic to start
with. And I will without a doubt be coming back to this. I'll just
write about individuality today, but all three of these topics are
interlinked.
When I
was at school we had a photo competition which theme was
“individually together”. The concept made sense to me then, and
it still does. But unfortunately it does not make sense to everyone
and it's very sad. So many people are trying to “fit the crowd”
and look “normal”. Do what “society thinks is right” instead
of being who they are.
Okay, I
must admit that I was never the coolest of kids. And still am not. I
mean, I look like this in my holiday photos:
It was a holiday in Lewis in 2010!
And
surprise, surprise! I was bullied at school. I never really understood
why I got bullied. I didn't really think of it at the time,
I just did my best at ignoring it. But then I came across a news paper article where the journalist had interviewed a class and found out what kind
of reasons will be used as excuses for bullying.
Here are
the reasons they listed:
Wrong
clothes. Clothes that are five
years old, discount store clothes, charity shop clothes, cartoon
character -tops, Gothic style, Lolita style, heavy rocker style, or
anything that might make you look gay. Wrong
music. Anything ancient or
classical. Church music. Anything that the majority doesn't listen
to. Basically you have to listen to bands that are on top10 lists. Wrong
hobbies. Guides, computer
games, larping, archery, violin, golf, church clubs, fantasy books,
Irish dance, martial arts if you're a girl and ballet, riding or
piano if you're a boy. Basically you're not “allowed to” have any
“weird” or different hobbies – such as dance if you're a boy. Wrong
ideologies. Religiousness,
vegetarianism, or accepting gay rights. Basically you're not allowed
to enjoy reading or fantasy. Or have much opinions about anything.
Thank
goodness I'm not at school anymore. This explains why I got bullied.
I could post pictures of myself doing all of those things “wrong”,
but I probably don't have to. And I'm glad I did. I never wanted to
be a robot who wore what the other girls told me to wear, listened to
crappy top10 lists and had no opinions. I had a lot more fun wearing
Tinker Bell -tops, going to church clubs and camps, listening to emo
music, playing computer games, reading fantasy books and generally
just being a weird, opinionated homosexual.
This is how "amazing" the picture quality was in older camera phones.
It was
way more fun being weird! My freetime activities were amazing. Here,
for instance, I went to a clothes store with my friend and we both
chose each other the most awful outfits and then took photos in the
changing room. This is what teenagers should do, instead of learning
how to became a robot.
And this topic is not only relevant to those who are at school and going through those horrible teenager years trying to figure out who they are while being under constant pressure of not doing anything that wouldn't be accepted by their peers. This is relevant to anyone! No matter what your age is, you can still discover new things about yourself and new ways to express yourself. Start a new hobby, explore new hairstyles or get into motorcycles. There are mums out there who are afraid to get tattoos and piercings or other mums wouldn't let their children to play with their kids. There are grandmas who wonder what their friends might say if they got a purple mohawk*. There are men who really want to wear skirts instead of trousers because it's hot outside. Such things won't change their ability to function as members of society. Those little things that would be a part of their individual appearance would only make them happier and more lively. And happy people can do anything! Those who judge should go home and think about what makes them so angry.
One of my
favourite bands, PMMP, released this song 4 years ago.
It is amazing. Here are some bits of the lyrics in English**:
They
shout furiously: “No! Men don't behave like that!”
I
guess beauty offends them
But
although they make fun of my body
They
can never touch my soul
My
clothes that people make fun of
and my
feather boa that is so despised here
need more glitter when I get there
or
otherwise I will be unnoticed in the eclectic crowd
There,
family cars are not the only cars stuck in the traffic jam
There
are buses and limousines side by side
I
will not swallow tears but champagne instead
I
will dress up in sequins from head to toe
The
mouths don't mock and not a single finger rises
I'm
not afraid that I won't find anyone
And
like a bird I will rise up
I was
never a prisoner of my body after all
Seriously it's the best song ever. It's all about equality and being
accepted as who you are. Sadly in this song, the person had to leave
somewhere else, but that's just something you need to do if you're
surroundings are poisonous. But we are all gorgeous as who we are!
And all of us are allowed to wear whatever we like, whatever makes us
confident and happy. And that's the beauty of it. Life would be
boring if everyone just wore hoodies and jeans.
So, who wants to dress up in sequins and come and drink champagne
with me?
Featuring Scottish countryside.
I have muffins.
* True story! She came in to book an appointment when I was at the hairdressers. ** I'm sorry, but my translation skills suck. Please let me know if you
know how to translate this song better.
Life is crazy and I'm
high on caffeine when I'm writing this. I went to see a psychiatrist
this week. He asked a lot of really stupid questions and I told him
that I don't want to see him again*. Well, that's not the whole
story, but his claims got me thinking.
The reason why I
haven't done much blog writing at all is that I am afraid to say
things. It is scary to write down my thoughts for everyone to read, and I am
worried I might offend people. I am also worried that people might find
things I say inappropriate. But at the same time it's all a bit silly
because I accidentally tend to offend people in real life all the
time. And someone is always going to disagree with me no matter what
I say – there is no way that everyone would like what I say! When I
was in elementary school and we were learning percentages one
calculation we were asked was: “How many people in your class like ice cream?”
And we were not allowed to ask everyone, we were just meant to assume
that everyone likes ice cream. It's really stupid to teach kids stuff
like that. DIVERSITY!
P.S. I don't like ice cream. Except Ben &
Jerry's Baked Alaska. Or maybe something else during special moments
when it's a hot summer day.
But maybe I should be
braver about being me! I've accidentally stumbled across blogs and
vlogs that have inspired me about this topic.
Jenna Marbles posted a video about it recently.
It is very different from her other videos, but has a very important message!
It was inspiring. She
writes in Finnish, but posts a lot of pictures too. She's
provocative, sexual, open and not afraid to show who she is. Don't
worry, there won't be any pornographic pictures of me here, but I
might try and start to write more about my life here. And stop being
so worried about shocking people. I shall post pictures of pants if I
want to! Those who wish to disapprove may disapprove. The
psychiatrist claimed that I should share more about myself with
strangers. I am not sure what kind of mental healthcare tip that was
supposed to be.
But to be honest, after
finally coming out to mum, I should have the courage to write about
my life and thoughts a little bit more openly here too!
Picture of me when I used to be brave.
Anyway, the point of this post was to let you know that I have decided to try and be a little bit braver, and a little bit more openly me from now on. The scary thing is that all the negativity from people is so much more hurtful when they can see all the real you. I'll let you know how it goes and whether I would recommend it or not.
* I don't have anything
against psychiatrists and I am in favour of mental healthcare, but I
have no idea where this one got his qualifications from. Even my cat
understands people and psychology better than him.
